Plumbing Lesson Three

I have a story and a tirade. We'll start with this: When in the hell did it become OK for step-by-step instructions to come with just illustrations? This is becoming more and more prevalent. I'm opposed.

I had to replace the kitchen faucet, and while it's not too hard to figure out what to do, the instruction sheet looked like this: A whole bunch of letters, numbers and arrows, but no expository writing.



And in the words of Jules:

I know this instruction sheet is meant to appeal to a range of people, who are replacing their faucets in China, Sweden, Czech Republic and the United States and that printing directions in an assortment of languages would be expensive, but come on! Couldn't you at least put a well-worded step-by-step list in each language in a place where everyone on the planet could access it, like, I don't know, the WORLDWIDE Web? Please?

OK, so on to the story.

Plumbing Lesson #3: Know Your Holes
(Check out Plumbing Lessons One and Two.)

A few weeks ago, I was in my car, and the gearshifter popped off in my hand. I rigged it back together, but I could see smoke coming from the steering column, so I took my car to the mechanic. I didn't get to count that as a D-I-Y victory.

A few days ago, though, the kitchen faucet handle popped off in my husband's hand. He knew I'd be delighted to fix it.

"I'm getting a Moen!" I said. Am I a sucker for their commercials? Yes.

On to the hardware store. Lots of faucets there.

Before you pick one, you have to know how many faucet holes you have in the sink. It might not be obvious. Go under the sink, look up and see how many there are. It's probably one, two, three or four. You'll need this information when you go shopping. You can cover extra holes, but you can't drill new holes, so you don't want to buy a three-hole setup if you only have room for one. I have four; the fourth is a soap dispenser.

I wanted a faucet with a spray nozzle, and those range from about $100 to $300 or more. Despite my predisposition for Moen, I seriously considered a Delta faucet as well. Both of 'em looked about the same, and Delta also has an excellent commercial. But I grabbed the $148 Moen faucet, and headed to the checkout.

At home, I removed the old faucet without too much trouble. Cleaned the gunk from underneath. Popped the new faucet in place. I was delighted to discover that Moen had even included a special tool (Part L) that I would need to tighten Part H onto Part G. (I know they have real names in the plumbing world, but that's what the instruction sheet calls them.)

Then it went from Moen to moan. I went to attach the water-supply hoses to the water-supply line under the sink . . . and they didn't fit. I needed some kind of adapter. My excitement was waning. It was going so smooth! Until then. I was feeling awesome! Until then. I didn’t have to call my dad. Until then. He said, "It happens to the best of us."

I went back to the hardware store the next day (with my old plumbing parts in hand to match up the sizes) and found a 1/2" X 3/8" compression adapter. I needed two, and they were $4 each. It's not the cost that bugged me. It's the fact that I need to go back to the store. Too bad there was no indication on the box or directions that some homes would need an adapter. This is a lesson learned. When you do a project, it helps to bring your old parts to the store with you so you can get everything you need at once.

Back to the sink. Look, I fixed it!

I'm also the one who hemmed the curtains. Which are uneven. 

Patchwork Cadillac

I crashed my car, like an idiot, in stop-and-go traffic a few months ago.

Missing some teeth.

No one was hurt, I didn't get a ticket AND I learned a lesson. But there was significant damage--about $2,700, according to the insurance estimate. That was enough to to total out my 1995 Cadillac Deville. But you don't get a new car just because yours got dented. That's wasteful. I KNEW I could fix it. Or at least that it was fixable. I needed help from my brother Rick.

 "From 20 feet away, you won't be able to tell the difference," he estimated. I liked his honesty, and I could live with it.

I had to go to three junkyards over the course of this project. What's nice is that most junkyards have websites where you can search the inventory online. I found a headlight and cornering light assembly at Ryan's Northend Auto Parts in Oak Park for $75. It was a good deal. Then, Rick and I headed out to Parts Galore on Eight Mile near Gratiot in Detroit. It's enormous. You pay a buck to walk through the yard; even they don't know what they have. Bring your own tools, remove what you want and pay on your way out.

Taking shape.

We found the hood to a white '95 Deville Concours. It didn't have a spot for the hood ornament, and it was white, not Montana Blue (which, I learned, is the specific color of my car), but it was $45, and we could paint it blue.

Two hours later, we popped the white hood on my blue Cadillac and replaced the headlight, then went out to celebrate my birthday with some wallyball and beer. Already, I was feeling better about my car.

That's Rick on the left, me in the center.

Next, Rick, who is in the midst of restoring a '74 Plymouth Duster (with '72 parts because he likes them better), went to the paint shop and found the right shade of blue. It has to be applied with a spray gun, so I let him do that.

But first, we had to wet sand the white hood with fine (400 grit) sandpaper to remove the gloss coat and prepare it for painting. Keep the surface wet, Rick said. Change the sand paper if it starts to get dirty. Use light strokes. Try to make "X" scratches.

It was all going so well--until we ran out of paint. Tip: just spring for the quart, even if you think you need just a pint. The paint store was closed the rest of the weekend. So I had, like, stripes on the hood. And still no grille. I drove around like that for a week. But I'm classy, so I can pull that off. When we got more paint, we had to resand the hood and repaint it. (I think the paint and clearcoat cost around $150, but at this point, I just gave Rick a few hundreds and a bunch of $20s and told him to keep the change.)

After painting, Rick had the painstaking job of fixing the hood-release latch. And I had to find a grille. I went to U.S. Auto Supply in Detroit, where they had the grille for $45. Deal.

I was just a few bolts away from calling this job done.

When we got that grille attached and closed the hood, I stepped back, 20 feet away. Rick was right. I'm happy.

The best reactions came from two guys I work with. The intern noticed I'd been parking in the visitor's lot, oh, and that my car was crushed. He asked me about it, but I made him swear to secrecy. A few weeks later, when I pulled in to the employee garage, he did a double-take, and his jaw dropped. I drove by and gave him a thumbs-up. Job well done. Another editor was seen eyeing my finished car, wondering aloud if it was the same one that had been in the visitor's lot. Yup.

We did good.

I can't undo the damage. But I did what I could to make it better. And all for about $350 (before Ricky's take).

Before:

And after:

Handy, man

The HandyBand magnetic wristband will hold a wrench, screws and a socket.

I got a job at AutoWeek, and we ran a Father's Day gift guide with car-related things (like a Ferrari leather iPad case), obnoxious items (like a $70 pair of nail clippers) and something really cool, the Handy Band for $10. I bought five of them. 

From the Why Didn't I Think of That files, it's a magnetic wristband that holds wrenches, screws, nuts, sockets, etc., so you can use both hands for working and you don't have to get up and down the ladder 100 times.

I bought one for myself and every one of my brothers who is a mechanic.

I made a goofy video showing the kinds of things it will grab for you. It did pick up scissors, but I would not use it to hold them. They might fall off and you could get hurt.

This would be ideal for when you're working on a car where you have to remove so many nuts and bolts.

It would be nice if the Handy Band had a pencil holder too. But I guess that's what ears and teeth are for.  Also, the Handy Band can pinch your skin a little. So wear a wristband or long sleeves underneath.

I'm giving a Handy Band to my dad for Father's Day. I asked him what he would say if I got him a set of nail clippers that cost $70. He said I wouldn't be any daughter of his. Save money, get this $10 gift instead.

You can order the Handy Band at www.handy-band.com.